Famous Words of Wisdom

Abrams' Principle:
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
Allen's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the directions.
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
  • If it should exist, it doesn't.
  • If it does exist, it's out of date.
  • Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
Arthur's Laws of Love:
  • People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
  • The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
The one who has the gold makes the rules.
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on an ukulele.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date; (2) his wife; (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
  • Houses are for people to live in.
  • Gardens are for plants to live in.
  • There is no such thing as a houseplant.
Blore's Razor:
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
Boling's Postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
Boren's Laws:
  • When in charge, ponder.
  • When in trouble, delegate.
  • When in doubt, mumble.
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.
Brook's First Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brooke's Second Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Brunk's Law of Programming:
If a listing has a beginning, it has an end.
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway.
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
Cahn's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Character Density:
The number of very weird people in the office.
Chemist's Rule:
Never take more than three data points. There will always be some kind of graph paper on which they fall in a straight line.
Chemist's Rule, First Corollary:
If you have only one kind of graph paper, never take more than two data points.
Chisholm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Churchill's Commentary:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Law of Communications:
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Compensation Theorem:
see Maier's Law , 2 nd corollary.
A Law of Computer Programming:
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
Conway's Law:
In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on... This person must be fired.
Creative Research Rules:
  • Never draw what you can copy.
  • Never copy what you can trace.
  • Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Defactualization Rules:
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
DeVries's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
Dickson's Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
Ducharm's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
Ducharm's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Dunstone's Philosophy on Computers:
There is more than one way to boot a disk...
Dykstra's Observation on Programming and Debugging:
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Eagleson's Law:
Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
Ehrman's Commentary:
  • Things will get worse before they get better.
  • Who said things would get better?
Electrical Engineering Frustration:
Working hardware is a lot like an erect penis; it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Epperson's law:
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
Equine Paradox:
There are more horses' asses in the world than there are horses' heads.
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
  • Negative expectations yield negative results.
  • Positive expectations yield negative results.
Farvour's Law of Debugging:
There is always one more bug...
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by the facts.
Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
  • Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
  • The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want, will see it immediately.
Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Flannagan's Finagling Factor:
see Skinner's Constant .
Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flugg's Law:
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fortuity Factor:
That entity which, when present in sufficient quantity or of sufficient magnitude at the right time, gives rise to the correct solution.
Fortune's Party Tip #14:
Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
43 rd Law of Computing:
During the middle of a long download anything that can go wrong . . . ERROR . . . Segmentation violation !! ------- Memory Core dumped! Stop 0x0000007F ------- UNEXPECTED_KERNEL_MODE_TRAP !! Consult Microsoft for possible patch !!
Rule 46, Oxford Union Society , London:
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
Fresco's Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
Constant Laws of Frisbee:
  • The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck").
  • The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Goes a long way = Goes the wrong way.)
  • Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!"
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
Futility Principle:
No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
  • An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
  • An object at rest will always rest in the wrong place.
  • The energy required to change either of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.
Ginsberg's Theorem:
  • You can't win.
  • You can't break even.
  • You can't even quit the game.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:
  • Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
  • Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
  • Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
Goldenstern's Rules:
  • Always hire a rich attorney.
  • Never buy from a rich salesman.
Gordon's First Law:
If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Rule of the Great:
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
Grelb's Commentary:
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Greener's Law:
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Grelb's Reminder:
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Gutterson's Laws of Programming:
  • Any programming project that begins well ends badly.
  • Any programming project that begins badly ends worse.
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hall's Laws of Politics:
  • The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
  • Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed.
  • Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
Harris's Lament:
All the good ones are taken.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Harvard Law:
Under the most rigorously controlled condition of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variable, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Jenning's Corollary:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Johnson's Corollary:
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
Hlade's Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
see Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab .
Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Howe's Law:
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Iles's Law:
There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. Neither will Iles.
Inevitable Laws of Class Scheduling:
  • If the course you wanted the most has room for n students, you'll be the n+1 to apply.
  • A prerequisite/co-requisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course.
  • Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste the maximum time between classes.
  • When you are occasionally able to schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus.
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
  • Course of Progress :
Most things get steadily worse.
  • Path of Progress :
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Jenkinson's Law of Optimism:
It won't work!
Johnson's First Law:
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.
Jone's Law:
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Jone's Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Jones's First Law:
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution.
Katz' Law:
Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Kennedy Constant:
Don't get mad -- get even.
Kinkler's First Law:
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
Kinkler's Second Law:
All the easy problems have been solved.
Klienbrunner's Corollaries of Programming:
  • If a programming task looks easy, it's tough.
  • If a programming task looks tough, it's damn-well impossible.
Langsam's Laws:
  • Everything depends.
  • Nothing is always.
  • Everything is sometimes.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Leibowitz's Rule:
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Lockwood's Long Shot:
The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
Lowery's Law:
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
Maier's Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
  • The bigger the theory, the better.
  • The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain agreement with the theory.
Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Maintainer's Motto:
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
Marxist Theory on Freedom:
You are FREE to do what you are TOLD to do.
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
AFL-CIO inspiring words (Courtesy of AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka):
  • Workers of the World Unite!
  • Those who can, do.
  • Those who can but won't, get a Union job.
  • Those who can't, get a Government job.
  • Those who can't but wouldn't even if they could, get a Government Union job.
  • Finally: Those who can and do, are gullible idiots.
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can ever hope to acquire it.
Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
Micro Credo:
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and can be implemented, it wasn't worth doing.
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Mungbright's Laws of Programming:
  • Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  • Any given program costs more and takes longer.
  • If a program is useful it will have to be changed.
  • If a program is useless it will have to be documented.
  • Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
  • The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
  • Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
  • Not until the program has been released for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
  • Machine independent code isn't.
  • Adding man power to a late software project makes it even later.
  • The effort required to correct software problems increases exponentially with time.
Murphy's Discovery:
Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble!
Edsel Murphy's Laws of Programming:
  • It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  • If something can go wrong, it will.
  • Things get worse under pressure.
  • Only after a task has been proven completely impossible is it time to read the reference book.
  • When a system is designed so that fools can use it, only fools can use it.
  • When a program is working perfectly the programmer will not know what the heck is going on.
  • There is more than one way to crash a system.
  • User friendly manuals aren't!
  • A fast and efficient time-sharing system isn't.
  • When a computer is most needed it will break down.
  • All major bugs in a software project will turn up five minutes before it is due.
  • You will always find the bug in the last place you would look, the least expected place.
Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's Principle:
If anything can go wrong it will.
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Rules for driving in New York:
  • Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
  • You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
  • A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.
Newlan's Truism:
An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Newton's Fourth Law:
Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time, and the last 10% takes the other 90%.
O'Riordan's Theorem:
Brains X Beauty = Constant.
Purmal's Corollary:
As the limit of (Brains X Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
Murphy was an optimist.
Ogden's Law:
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Oliva's Law of Statistics:
83.4% of all statistics cited are made up on the spot.
Oliva's Observation:
If it's not broke, there will be no shortage of engineers who will attempt to "Fix it".
Oliva's Technician Truism:
Shot-gunning is when you replace parts and it still doesn't fix the problem.
Intelligent and logical troubleshooting is when your boss replaces parts and it still doesn't fix the problem.
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood.
Progressive's Principle:
Dream up a Socialist solution, then wait for, or create, a crisis and apply it.
Law of Open Book Exams:
If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Law of Open Book Exams Corollary:
If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
Ordering Principle:
Those supplies and equipment items necessary for yesterday's experiments must be ordered no later than tomorrow morning.
Osborn's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Ozman's Laws:
  • If someone says he will do something "without fail, he won't.
  • The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
  • People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
  • Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
Self Test for Paranoia:
You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault.
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
Parker's Law:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Patrick's Theorem:
If the experiment works, we must be using the wrong equipment.
Paul's First Observation:
In the good old U. S. A., it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
Paul's Second Observation:
You can't fall off the floor.
Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.
Pennington's Observation of Programming:
The probability that a given program will perform to expectations is inversely proportional to the programmers confidence in his ability to do the job.
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Perversity of Nature 1st Law:
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Photography 3rd Law:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.
Perversity Principle (of Inanimate Objects):
Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition, shape, density or color, may be expected to perform (at any time) in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are entirely obscure, or else completely mysterious.
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.
Pinocchio Theory of Female Sexuality:
Warns that every time you fake an orgasm your hips get a tiny bit wider.
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
First Law of Procrastination:
Why do it now when you can to it tomorrow.
Second Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Pohl's law:
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
  • Those who understand what they do not manage.
  • Those who manage what they do not understand.
Quigley's Law:
Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
Ray's Rule of Precision:
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention:
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.
Roman Rule:
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time.
Satellite Safety Tip #14:
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
Schapiro's Explanation:
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence -- but that's because they use more manure.
Scott's First Law:
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Socialism's Law of Economics:
Welfare is the cornerstone of our economic engine -- until we run out of other people's money.
Socialist Work Ethic Principle:
As long as there fools willing to work for a living -- our constituents will never go hungry.
Scott's Second Law:
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place.
Scott's Second Law Corollary:
After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
Ice cream cures all ills.
Laws of Serendipity:
  • In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.
  • If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
Serocki's Stricture:
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Silverman's Law:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Simon's Law:
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
Skinner's Constant:
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
  • Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
  • A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
  • There are two types of dirt -- the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Sodd's Second Law:
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
Sparse Parts Principle:
The accessibility during recovery of parts which fall from the workbench varies directly with the part size and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Sturgeon's Law:
90% of everything is crud.
Swipple's Rule of Order:
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
Technician's First Commandment:
Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most un-technician-like manner.
Technician's Seventh Commandment
Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other ways.
Thermodynamic's First Three Laws:
First Law :
You can't get anything without working for it.
Second Law :
The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
Third Law :
You can only break even at absolute zero.
Turnaucka's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
Tussman's Law:
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Ultimate Principle:
By definition, when investigating the unknown, one does not know what one will find.
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
Unnamed Law:
If it happens, it must be possible.
Vail's Second Axiom:
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
  • If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
  • If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
Watson's Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Weinberg's Principle:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
Wethern's Law:
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Westheimer's Discovery:
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
Whistler's Law:
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
Wisher's Principle:
The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Woman's rule of thumb:
If it has tires or testis, you're going to have trouble with it.
Zepplemier's Corollary of Programming:
The last four pages of a critical listing will be lost.
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.